Day 2: Something you love about yourself

So, I promised I would do the 30 days of truth. I didn't necessarily promise I would do 30 CONSECUTIVE days of truth... but as I sit, feeding my son and typing with one hand, I feel like I deserve a bit of slack.

Alright, well, something I love about myself.... it's so easy to pick out my faults, what I don't like about myself, but to think about what I do like is a bit harder.

I suppose physically I would have to say that I love my eyes. Something about them just seems to pierce right through photographs. I guess it's my ability to "smize" as Tyra Banks puts it on America's Next Top Model. I can smile with my eyes. No matter how much weight I gain I can always feel beautiful because of that.

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself

So, I know I promised I would start the 30 days of truth probably close to a week ago. This is my life. And so, a week later, I finally begin..... which brings me to the truth for day 1: What is something you hate about yourself?

I could easily talk about my procrastination. It's no secret though, and would almost be a cop-out. Therefor I will talk about something else that many of you may not know about.

One of my biggest strengths is actually one of my greatest weaknesses - the ability to psychoanalyze people.

I'm great at reading people, at understanding why they do or think things. I could easily tell you what part of your past makes you act or feel a certain way. Now, you may be wondering why this might be a bad thing. After all, this trait is perfect for my goal career.

The problem is I can't turn it off.

I can't stop thinking logically.

I can't EMOTIONALLY relate to people.

I'm a great psychologist. Not such a good friend or wife.

Every time someone has a problem I want to play psychologist. I want to point out other peoples' point of view. I want to point out the faults in their thinking. I want to psychoanalyze the situation.

That's not what people want.

My husband has said how much he hates it, how he hates that I know what he's thinking before he does. He hates when I point out that he has no reason to be mad about certain things, when I defend the people or situations he is mad about.

And I hate that I can't just sit down and comfort him in the way he wants.

Good bye are not the words I want to hear from you

I felt the need to post this.

As I look at this picture, and the others I have like it I realize...this is my life. I don't think civilians can truly comprehend the emotion behind these moments. I didn't cry this day. Or the day after. I had to stay strong, for my son, and for my husband. I had to show him I would be OK without him, had to show him he didn't need to worry about me, had to show him I could manage it all on my own.... even if I knew there would be days that I couldn't.

And there are.

There are days when I break down, days when I question if I can truly manage to raise our son by myself, all while cooking and cleaning and sneaking in a quick shower while he sleeps. There are days when I wonder if he'll be the same when he gets back, if he'll still love me, if he'll be filled with anger and rage, if he'll be able to handle the things he's seen and done. And then there are days I wonder IF he'll come back at all....

When you hear of the casualties over there so many things go through your mind. Sadness, whether you knew them or not, because regardless of who they were a life was taken. Sympathy, for the family and friends, because you can't even fathom if that had been your loved one. Relief, that at least it wasn't your husband. Guilt, for feeling relief. And fear, because you are reminded that the danger exists.

Sometimes it's easy when they're gone - you don't have to worry about them spending ridiculous amounts of money on games, or movies, or fast food, or [insert vice here]. It's less food you have to cook. One less person you have to clean up after.

But it's one less person to cuddle with. One less person to talk to. One less person to share your bed. One less person to kiss you goodnight.

I'd rather have my one here with me.

Welcome back?

I FINALLY have enough time to post. I'm currently at Mrs. R's house, my baby is getting plenty of attention, and I am getting a much needed break. I can't believe my baby is already 3 months old now! He has changed so much in these last few months.
But now it's time to get him ready for bed, and then Wii and wine.

And starting tomorrow....the 30 days of truth.
Let's see if I can keep up.