It's been a while.
It is what it is.
The weather is getting cooler, and I love it. I love the feel of the crisp air against my skin, finally a reason to wear sweaters and boots. I love keeping the windows open and the air conditioning off. I love the color of fall leaves and the taste of pumpkin everything. But the cool air is a reminder, a reminder that it is moving close to the one year anniversary of when you took your own life.
It's still surreal, so surreal that there are days I forget that you are no longer here. I see your brother, your father, your mother, and have to remind myself not to ask where you are, how you are doing. I imagine your last moments, wonder what you were thinking, how you were feeling. How many seconds did you have for your thoughts to catch up with you after you jumped? Did you feel freedom? Did you panic?
I feel guilty, guilty for not seeing how depressed you were, for not spending more time with you. I look at your parents and wonder how they go on, thinking to myself, "what if that were MY son?" It hurts, more than I care to admit sometimes. I feel like I should be learning some life lesson, doing everything I can to not take things for granted, but the truth is I just feel sad and scared. I'm scared to lose more people I love, scared that I may be missing warning signs in someone else.
This kid says it all.
http://www.upworthy.com/this-kid-thinks-we-could-save-so-many-lives-if-only-it-was-okay-to-say-4-words?c=ufb1
