Destroy the If Only

I miss him.
It seems ridiculous considering the way things were. He never called. He rarely came over when he said he would - something catastrophically wrong would always happen at the last minute that would prevent him from keeping our plans. I tried so hard, and it felt like he tried so little. I rarely felt physically attractive, physically desirable, to him.
And yet I find myself going over in my head.... if only he had been older. If only he had wanted children. If only he didn't still live with his parents. If only he had enough gas money to see me. If only we lived on some magic cloud where everything was completely different....

The truth is we never would have made it.

But I still miss him. I miss the way he kissed me like he needed my lips just to stay alive. I miss the the sound of his voice and the way he played piano. I miss staying up until 7am just cuddling and talking.

I keep thinking if only another time, another place...maybe things would have worked out. But time and place are what they are, and if it's not right, it's not right.

All the King's Horses and all the King's Men

I'm lost. Completely and utterly lost.
I'm having (yet another) existential breakdown.

My life is definitely at a standstill. I'm back living with my parents in an environment I absolutely despise, surrounded by caustic comments about how terrible I am - apparently sloppy and self-centered, and most certainly not going anywhere with my life. My job pays me around $800/ month in a city where rent alone is at cheapest $600.
I have 2 degrees, neither of which I'm utilizing. Am I simply making excuses for myself?

My boyfriend has simply stopped talking to me, apparently completely apathetic to those nights I've spent crying myself to sleep, wishing he would care enough to pick up the phone or even send me a message online. It's ironic . . . how I could just end it, if only I could get a hold of him.

I hate where I am, but I don't know where to go. I don't know what state I want to live in, or even what country. (I hate the typical American and what this country has become). I don't even know what I want from this life.

I mean, I do. I want a family... but how can I move forward with something that doesn't even have prospect?

I'm an emotional failure right now. My spirit is spiraling into darkness...

and there's no light in sight.