Ok, I realize that I'm pregnant, but right now I feel fat - just plain fat. I get it. My stomach is SUPPOSED to get bigger. That's not the part I'm concerned about. In fact, my stomach is actually pretty small for someone as far along as I am.

My issue is my arms, and thighs, and face. It's weird because I see pictures that I took just a week ago and I think I look gorgeous. Then, I look at pictures from today and yesterday and I think, "when did THAT happen?!"

Seriously, I look like a beached whale.

It doesn't help that lately my husband has not expressed interest in being with me, and has instead decided to point out how attractive other women are.

I don't feel attractive anymore. At all.

Anxiety Rising

I recently heard a story about a woman's experience at the hospital where I'm supposed to birth. She also was in the midwife program, but at the time of her labor there were no midwives on duty. Apparently she attempted to contact a midwife and have them come in, but they refused. The OB on duty basically told her that since there was not a midwife available to monitor her she had to remain laying in bed for the entire birth, hooked up to IV's and monitoring equipment. The pain simply from laying in the same position caused her to beg for an epidural...just 1 hour before her child was born.

To most women, this seems the norm, but I freaked. It infuriates me that the medical model of childbirth calls for procedures that are not only unnecessary, but have proven through studies to actually be harmful. I can't believe with all the research that proves that moving around results in quicker and less complicated births they would still force someone to stay in a hospital bed. I understand that a lot of women want help when it comes to dealing with pain during childbirth, and I would never try to tell someone they are bad or weak for wanting pain medication, but I have found that for me the complications and after effects in the future far outweigh the benefits at the given moment. And once you have had these medications it does become medically necessary to be monitored.

I just refuse to be hooked up to machines if I don't have to. Call me old fashioned, but women have been giving birth successfully without IV's and heart monitors for THOUSANDS of years. If a woman wasn't capable of giving birth on her own none of us would be here.

I'm furious at the situation this woman had to go through, and I'm filled to the brim with anxiety about what it will be like when I have to go in. I would rather give birth at home then be strapped to a bed with needles forced into my arm. Contractions are painful enough. Must we really add more discomforts to the mix?!

Again, I'm furious, anxious, scared, worried.... all emotions that should NOT surround the biggest miracle in my life.

Beautiful Baby Boy

We got to see our beautiful baby boy in 4D today. Of course he wasn't very cooperative - he decided to stay hidden behind the placenta for most of the session. I can tell he already has some of his daddy's facial expressions...

(I tried to add a video clip, but after an hour of waiting for it to upload I gave up)

EDIT: I finally posted the video on facebook for those who want to see it. It did take over an hour to upload, but at least it came with a progress bar to let me know something was happening.

I also figured that I should post some more information on the visit for posterity's sake. Baby William weighed 1 lb 14 oz and measured 26 weeks and 2 days old, just 1 day off from my September 16 due date.

I have to admit I was a little disappointed with the visit. Seeing as this was not deemed "medically necessary" we had to pay out of pocket roughly $100. Not a big deal if he had been more cooperative. But, of course, he takes after his father and decided to be stubborn. It didn't help that I probably didn't drink enough water beforehand so the amniotic fluid levels were a little low. I wish I could have done it over, when I had more water in my system and he was more active. I'm pretty sure he was trying to take a nap and was not particularly happy that we were disturbing him.

Still, it's a miraculous gift to see him like that, looking like a little person that could already survive outside the womb. There are still a few more weeks for that to happen without major complications, but the anticipation of getting to hold him is killing me!

Better than me

OK, so this may sound ridiculous to some, but I'm ridiculously lonely. So lonely that I am sitting on my computer, trying to hold back tears, as my husband sleeps upstairs.

I try not to let it show, try to hide how disappointed I really am sometimes. I'm tired of sitting at home alone, tired of having to constantly clean up after not only myself but my husband and his friends, tired of trying to find ways to get out of this house and not succeeding. I'm tired of seeing on facebook all the people who are having so much fun going out to dinner, or going to Luau's, or the beach, or museums, or hiking, or any number of things. And I don't know which hurts more sometimes - the fact that we are almost never invited to these things, or the fact that when I try to invite people out there is always some reason why they can't. And I'm not saying that they aren't always legitimate reasons, but the end result is always the same - me sitting at home alone. My husband is still terrified of public places, and with his sore hips and knees most physical excursions like hiking are out of the question. He rarely wants to leave the house, so on weekends it's video games all day..... and where am I? Sitting backseat.

I feel like it's always been this way. Everyone has a best friend and I'm never it. It doesn't help that my celiac disease prevents me from eating out most places or that I'm far enough along in my pregnancy that a lot of physical things are off limits. I feel like I'd just be holding people back. ::Sigh:: I feel like there's always some option that's better than me.

How do we know when the beginning starts?

It's amazing how much life can change even in the shortest periods of time. It's been nearly 2 years since my last post in this journal and I can certainly say A LOT has changed...

Looking back it's as if I was in some alternate universe, like I took a wrong exit and had to loop back around to get on my life path. That's what it feels like - some backwards journey that led me right back to where I was before, right back into his arms. The journey hasn't been easy, but at least now I feel like I'm moving forward, not sideways.

I decided to write again, partly inspired by my wonderful friend, Heather, and partly because I realized that I am moving into my third trimester and have yet to document any of my pregnancy thusfar. That's right. In the past 2 years I....

• married the love of my life, Mason Shehan
• became a marine corps wife
• moved to Hawaii
• got pregnant with a wonderful baby boy, William Mason...the fifth

So much new has happened. Is it weird to say I knew it would? Is it weird to say that 6 years ago I could have told you that one day we would be married with kids? We certainly encountered some mishaps along the way, but I knew we would get here eventually. And maybe soon we will be out of this wretched excuse for a command and in a place where we can be free from ALL of the strings holding us back.