Good bye are not the words I want to hear from you

I felt the need to post this.

As I look at this picture, and the others I have like it I realize...this is my life. I don't think civilians can truly comprehend the emotion behind these moments. I didn't cry this day. Or the day after. I had to stay strong, for my son, and for my husband. I had to show him I would be OK without him, had to show him he didn't need to worry about me, had to show him I could manage it all on my own.... even if I knew there would be days that I couldn't.

And there are.

There are days when I break down, days when I question if I can truly manage to raise our son by myself, all while cooking and cleaning and sneaking in a quick shower while he sleeps. There are days when I wonder if he'll be the same when he gets back, if he'll still love me, if he'll be filled with anger and rage, if he'll be able to handle the things he's seen and done. And then there are days I wonder IF he'll come back at all....

When you hear of the casualties over there so many things go through your mind. Sadness, whether you knew them or not, because regardless of who they were a life was taken. Sympathy, for the family and friends, because you can't even fathom if that had been your loved one. Relief, that at least it wasn't your husband. Guilt, for feeling relief. And fear, because you are reminded that the danger exists.

Sometimes it's easy when they're gone - you don't have to worry about them spending ridiculous amounts of money on games, or movies, or fast food, or [insert vice here]. It's less food you have to cook. One less person you have to clean up after.

But it's one less person to cuddle with. One less person to talk to. One less person to share your bed. One less person to kiss you goodnight.

I'd rather have my one here with me.