Funny how getting better also means good-bye

Sorry to those who were actually following my 30 days of truth. I promise I will finish it eventually... it's just going to be put on the back burner for a while.
For those of you who didn't know I've been seeing a psychiatrist since early in my pregnancy. Nothing super serious - just a way to keep my hormones in check and a preemptive measure for warding off the post-partum depression I was positive I was going to experience. Well, apparently my brain just works different than most. Having my son actually got rid of all the anxiety and depression I had pre-pregnancy. So what does this mean? I'm actually doing way better than expected, and because of that "our therapeutic goals have been met." Which also means it's time to say good-bye to my therapeutic relationship.
I'm not sure how many of you have been to therapy, but it's quite easy to get attached to your therapist. Not in a romantic type of way mind you, but in a friendly dependent way. You see, this man understands me. He is the one who helped me discover that I was better suited for clinical work than research. He has been my confidant and mentor, and now that things are going better for me it means I can't see him anymore. It feels like I'm losing a friend. To make things worse though, when you get down to the real truth of the matter, he's not my "friend." He's my therapist. There's a line there that shouldn't be crossed.
I knew there was going to be a time when we would part ways. I just didn't realize it would feel so sucky.

When it rains...

It seems kind of fitting that this works not only as the age old cliche, but for the weather as well. It has been pouring intermittently, which normally I would relish in, but the lack of sunshine has been getting to me I think.
It's been a rough couple of days for me emotionally.
It started with an e-mail I got from the hubs a few days ago. I had written him, asking him to take care of some of the financial issues we've been having, namely a $20k bonus the military has owed us for 3 years along with a credit card that his recruiter opened in his name which has been past due and collecting interest for about 2 years now. Both pretty big things in my opinion. His response? "I love you, but you can be a real spaz"
No response to any of the e-mails talking about how much I missed or loved him, how our son got his first tooth (which, yay! finally!), or anything else. And he hasn't responded to any e-mails I've sent since.
Yesterday I took a trip into the past by looking at old photos, e-mails, letters, etc from back when we first started dating. I had one of his letters in my pocket so that I could take it out and read it. After a day of wallowing and resisting the urge to buy ice cream I decided to clean a bit and do laundry to make me feel better.  Liam went to bed pretty soundly and slept for 6 hours straight, so it felt like a good night.
This morning I got my jeans out of the dryer to find his letter, crumbled to bits. I lost it, just burst into tears.
And on top of everything I feel like a fat blob. My goal was to lose all the baby weight before the hubs got home, but I feel like I'm moving in the opposite direction. No matter how much I exercise I don't feel like I'm losing anything. Maybe I'm PMSing for the first time in well over a year. It would explain the bloating and carb cravings, and the moodiness. Whatever it is, I don't like it, and I want it gone.

Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.

These songs are for my husband

My Letter - FLAW
Best I am - FLAW
Zoe Jane - Staind
You can't take me - soundtrack, Spirit: Stallion of the Cimmaron
I will always return - soundtrack, Spirit: Stallion of the Cimmaron
Sound the Bugle - soundtrack, Spirit: Stallion of the Cimmaron
Going Home - Mary Fahl
We will go Home - soundtrack, King Arthur

The first 3 songs remind me of what it's like for my husband being a father and being so far away from his family.  He makes so many sacrifices to provide for us. I know it's not easy and he gets emotional about it (even though he would never admit to it). All the songs from the Spirit soundtrack are really for motivation. They're about having strength even when you're down. And the last two are both about, you guessed it, coming home, because we're now at the point where we are making plans for him to return. And if that doesn't inspire motivation I don't know what does.

Day 23: Something you wish you HAD done in your life

Well, first, I just realized how long it's been since I posted. Life has kept me pretty busy, which has been good. Being preoccupied is the best way to keep me sane.
As far as something I wish I had done, it's more of a "I wish I had done this earlier" thing, since I plan on accomplishing it in the next few months. I wish I had taken my GRE right out of college. But on the other hand, they are just now changing the format of the GRE to something much more compatible with my general knowledge and test taking abilities, so maybe it's good that I waited. And, actually, I think that needing to put forth so much effort to study and take the test at this point in my life is a good test to prove that this is a path I actually want to take instead of just a whim.
Just another thing that makes me believe everything happens for a reason.

Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

There is probably only one thing I wish I hadn't done in my life, and more of that has to do with something I wish I HAD done - say no. Basically, on my 21st birthday I went to a bar and they offered me what they called the "birthday pitcher" - a pitcher filled with random types of beer and liquor all combined in one. At this point in my life I had just been diagnosed with celiac disease. I knew I wasn't supposed to have gluten, but I didn't fully understand what it did to me. And moreover I was intimidated by the mob chanting, "Chug, chug, chug, chug!!" And so...I chugged. Really I wish I had had the confidence to say, "No, I'm allergic to beer" but the peer pressure got to me and I screwed up my body pretty royally for that one moment. A moment that, for the record, was not worth it at all. This drink did not taste good at all. This drink did not put me in a state that made me happy or feel better about myself. No, this drink simply made me sick. Very sick. And not just in the drunk kind of way. 

But I can't leave this post just about that, because before I even thought about that one moment I had something else to say. And that is that I don't think there is much in my life that I truly wish I hadn't done, because everything I have done, everything I have been through, has made me who I am today. Without those experiences my life would be different. And right now I like who I am.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger. Or something like that. Yeah Marine Corps. 

Day 21: (scenario)

(scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?


This is pretty easy for me, because no matter how mad I am, the health of my friends always comes first. I would be by her side in the hospital bed, hoping that she could also let go of whatever it was we were fighting about.  Depending on how serious the fight was we might have to address it after she was completely better, but most likely it would have been about something completely inconsequential anyway.

Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol

After taking my biopsychology class in college I learned a lot about the effects different drugs have on the brain. I also learned what kind of withdrawal effects a person goes through when attempting to stop said drugs. On one hand, I can understand the appeal of being able to "escape" the real world.  Having gone through withdrawal effects from low dose prescription medication, I can also understand why someone would do anything to avoid those withdrawal effects. But why not avoid withdrawal by not taking the drugs in the first place?
I'm actually pretty liberal when it comes to things like this. There are certain drugs that are illegal which I personally have no problem with people using, because I know what they do to the body, and I know that the effects are far less dangerous than alcohol and cigarettes, which are both legal, and frequently abused. The key word though is "using" not "abusing."
I know people who have abused things from alcohol to heroin to compressed air. I hate being around them in their altered states. It's not something I want to be around, and certainly something I don't want my son exposed to. These people have compromised their health and their relationships. A few of those people are not alive today.

Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

(the  baby is taking a nap and so I have time to catch up some of the posts for which I previously haven't had time)

Let me first start off by saying that I consider myself a spiritual person. There are times when I really wish I could focus more of my life through my spirituality. I grew up in a Lutheran church and I consider most of the people in that church part of my family. But I wouldn't call myself Lutheran. I don't consider myself any particular religious affiliation because I don't believe that we can flat out say any one religion is right and all the rest are wrong. I have studied different religions and I find it fascinating how these religions influence ones culture. I won't go into my specific views on Jesus or Mohamed or the Bible or Buddha, or any of the polytheistic groups. But I do believe it's OK that people have different religions. And I think it's OK that there are people who have no religion. The thing I don't agree with is forcing people to believe YOUR specific religion, or punishing those who don't. What does it matter if we call our higher spirit "God" or "Allah"?  Can we really say that these are actually two separate entities? If I call it a heart, and someone else calls it a corazon, and someone else calls it a herz,  is it not the same thing?
Religion is a powerful thing, and it should be used for good. It should be used to uplift people, give them hope, give their life meaning. It should not be used to be vindictive towards people or destroy them.

Day 18: Your views on gay marriage

I am going to preface this with the note that this is not about homosexuality. It is about marriage. And, if I am going to talk about gay marriage I think it's important that we first look at marriage in general. The original purpose of marriage was so that two people could be joined together in order to produce children. One could argue that gay people can't produce children (I'm not including adoption here) and so gay people have no right to marry. OK, so any two people who can not produce children should not be able to get married. That means if you are infertile, sorry, no marriage for you. If you don't want children because you want to focus on your career that means you also can't get married.

Don't forget that marriage was also a religious ceremony. That means if you don't believe in God, then you don't need to get married.

So maybe you think that's "old fashioned." Marriage is now something governed by the state, religion optional. Let's look at reasons to get married from the state view.

The biggest reasons are for taxes and to allow medical benefits for your spouse. After all, you want the person you love to be taken care of, right? And here is where I can bring up that whole "love" thing. Theoretically you love your spouse (or at least you did when you decided to marry them) I mean, no one has ever married an illegal immigrant just so they could get a green card and stay in the country, right? Why would anyone do that? For state/national benefits... but you know what's interesting? If one person is a man, and the other is a woman, even if they don't love each other they are still allowed to get married. Funny, huh?

So what about Joe and Steve? Or Nancy and Karen? These couples love each other very much. They want to spend the rest of their lives together. They want to provide for the other person. Let's say Nancy gets in a car accident. She is in a coma. Karen has no say in her treatment. Joe dies. Steve gets no survivors benefits. 

I'm just saying.