I'm sitting downstairs during possibly the last few "cool" moments of the day. Our AC is broken and the last few days have been miserable. I was having heat flashes even before the AC broke, so having a room that's 10 degrees hotter is not my idea of fun.
My husband is upstairs sleeping, and still smells of beer from last night, which for the first time in a long time doesn't actually upset me. You see, last night we went out to play beer pong. And by "we" I mean my husband and the girl currently staying with us. I've never been a big fan of the game, even in college. Besides the fact that I'm allergic to beer and currently pregnant, the game in my opinion is actually quite disgusting. The chemistry students in our school did an analysis of the so called "rinse water" after a game and found things like urine, fecal matter, and e-coli, not to mention other organisms that I can't even pronounce or remember. Mmm, exactly what I want to put in my mouth.....
Anyway, back to my husband smelling of beer... my husband has several "types" of drunk, depending on who he's with, how much he's had, what he's drinking, and his general mood before drinking. Lately he has been a grouchy drunk, drinking alone and making caustic comments to those around him. It's a step away from his angry drunk, which thankfully I have not really seen since the first few years after his first tour to Iraq. But still, it's close, and painful to be around, to watch him turn into this grouchy, bitter old man who with a few words can stab you in the heart. You have to walk on eggshells around him because the wrong comment, the wrong look or action, can cause him to lash out and possibly storm off, secluding himself for hours and hours. This type of drunk emerges after deployments, and takes a long time to go away. Sometimes I wonder if they will ever go away....
He also has another type of drunk. Happy/stupid drunk. This is what you think of when you think of most college kids - it happens when he's in larger groups of people, encouraged to do stupid things by those around him. He's happy, energetic, the life of the party, though sometimes borderline belligerent. Usually at this stage other marines come up to me and tell my how "awesome" he is and how much they want him at their next social gathering. Of course, he rarely goes because he's inwardly anti-social and these "life of the party" moments are few and far between.
Then there's the pensive drunk. He rambles on about philosophy, and mostly history, relating it to the own wars he's seen and fought. These are the moments I learn some of the things that really happened over there, how he really feels about what he has seen/done. These are the times he is completely open and honest with me about how he feels, not only about his tours to Haiti, and Iraq, and Afghanistan, but about himself, and me, and our relationship.
Last night he was a mix between the last two types of drunk - happy and pensive.
He and the other people played several games of beer pong while I sat in the corner, playing spider solitaire and drinking coffee to stay awake. (my rant on constantly being designated driver later) I mostly ignored the goings on, but was aware enough to see people (my husband included) stripping off articles of clothing to distract the other team and fall down laughing. Yes, definitely a "life of the party" night. I have to admit that considering current company I'm surprised he didn't make any mean comments. I should also note that I am now a little more understanding of the insecurities that come from the husband of the girl who was staying with us. But that's not what this post is about.
As things began to wind down and people turned to slurring words and stumbling rather than walking the mood turned a little more somber. I walked into a discussion about the upcoming deployment, and just sat and listened as my husband explained to the girl staying with us what it was really like, and the things they had to do/not do to make it through it. It wasn't long before the girl got distracted and my husband turned to me. He practically fell into my lap, rubbing and kissing my stomach, telling our son how much he loved both of us, and how much he was going to miss us while he was gone. He opened up all the excitement he had for our son being born, how he couldn't wait to see him and hold him....and how truly terrified he was of all of it.
"How can a man so jaded from all that he has seen and done truly connect with an innocent child? What do I teach him?"
And I had no words. Nothing. I didn't tell him I thought he would be an awesome dad, not because I didn't believe it, but because I didn't know how to convince him of it. There are so many more hurdles to jump for military familes, and the truth is I don't know how we'll handle it all either. I just know we will. Somehow.
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