Roller-coaster

I know I've been MIA for a while. Pregnancy hormones are throwing me for a loop, or should I say several loops. There seems to be almost a weekly cycle of depression and normalcy, some days much worse than others. I've had very little energy, physically or mentally, to do much of anything lately, and blogging is one of the lowest things on my list.

I knew I was at extremely high risk for PPD, but I didn't realize symptoms would hit this early. Still, my moments of normalcy are enough to keep me off of medication, at least right now. I know I will have to start at some point in my 9th month to prepare for post-partum, but the longer I can hold off the better.

I hate feeling weak, feeling like I have little to no control over my emotions. On one hand I feel like I should logically just "snap out of it" - there's no real reason for me to be so depressed - well, with the exception of the death of my grandfather and this upcoming deployment. On the other hand I know it's not that simple. I know it's not something you can just snap out of, that hormonally I'm on the biggest roller coaster of my life. Sometimes being so psychologically in tune with yourself can drive you crazy.

I talked to the chaplain about a week ago and he was able to get my husband out of the month long boat duty they assigned him. And, while I am extremely thankful, I feel guilty at the same time. What makes ME special? What makes our situation any worse than those of all the other wives who are pregnant right now, or have young children to take care of? I find a bit of solace in the fact that there were single marines not scheduled to go who could easily take his place, and his job was to do laundry, not even training. Still, now I feel like the wife who whined to the chaplain to get her husband to stay home. And I don't like being that person. I don't like being singled out as "special" for some reason or another.


It's worth noting I suppose that despite my spirals into oblivion the pregnancy has been going very well. I got a high five (literally) from my midwife at my 29 week appointment for doing so well. BP is 96/60 (pretty normal for me pre-pregnancy), other vitals look good, baby's heartbeat is strong, and I've gained about 16-21 lbs, depending on if you count the 5 lbs of holiday weight I gained around the time of conception. I have, for the most part, kept up my walking routine, occasionally adding a 30 min session on the bikes or ellipticals at the gym 1-2 times a week.

I'm still quite small comparatively for someone who is 29 weeks, though my uterus has consistently measured about 2cm big at each visit. There was some question as to when I actually conceived because we had been trying for several months and there is a possibility that I may have had implantation bleeding. With my longer than normal cycle it would put me about 2 weeks further along than predicted. The confusing part is that in both ultrasounds the baby measured right on target for size and weight. Normally I would just accept it as whatever it was and not pay attention to the due date at all, but the husband is scheduled for training around the time the baby's due. I know it seems silly since the baby is going to come whenever he's ready, but I just like to have everything planned out.... if I need to expect him 2 weeks earlier than originally thought there are so many added logistics to take care of in terms of contacting the FRO, his command, the Red Cross, etc. And even then I just have to come to terms with the fact that the chances of him being here for the birth are practically zero. They won't start to send him home until the hospital contacts the command to let them know I'm in active labor, and then it'll take about 10 hrs for him to get to me.

All frustrations that I really don't feel like dealing with right now.